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Showing posts with label Jokes C. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes C. Show all posts

April 15, 2012

Different Type of Wifes


*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A North Indian GIRL as WIFE ***


1. Before marriage, she looks almost like a bollywood heroine and
after marriage you have to go around her twice to completely hug her.

2. By the time she professes her undevoted love to you, you are
bankrupt because of the number of times you had to take her out to
movies, theatres and restaurants. And you wait longingly for her dowry.

3. The only dishes she can think of to cook is paneer butter masala,
aloo sabji, aloo gobi sabji, aloo matar, aloo paneer, that after
eating all those paneer and aloos you are either in the bed with
chronic cholestrol or chronic gas disorder.

4. The only growth that you see later is the rise in your monthly phone bill.

5. You are blinded by her love that you think that she is a blonde.
Only later do you come to know that it is because of the mehandhi that
she applies to cover her grey hair.

6. When you come home from office she is very busy watching "Kyonki
saas bhi kabi bahu thi" that you either end up eating outside or
cooking yourself.

7. You are a very "ESpecial" person to her.

8. She always thought that Madras is a state and covers the whole of
south india until she met you.

9. When she says she is going to "work out" she means she is going to
" walk out"

10. She has greater number of relatives than the number of people you
have in your home town.



*** WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A South Indian GIRL as WIFE ***

1.Her mother looks down at you because you didn't study in IIT or
Madras / Anna University .

2. Her father starts or ends every conversation with " ... I say..."

3. She shudders if you use four letter words.

4. She has long hair, neatly oiled and braided (The Dubai based Oil
Company will negotiate with her on a 25 year contract to extract
coconut oil from her hair.)


5. Her name is another name for a Goddess or a flower.

6. Her first name is longer than your first name, middle name and
surname combined (unless you are from Andhra)

7. When she mixes milk/curd and rice you are never sure whether it is
for the dog or for you.

8. For weddings, she sports a mini jasmine garden on her head and
wears silk saris in the Madras heat without looking too uncomfortable
while you are melting in your heat.

9. Her favourite cricketer is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

10. Her favourite food is dosa though she has tried North Indian
snacks like Chats (pronounced like the slang for 'conversation' )

11. She bores you by telling you which raaga each song you hear is
based on.

12. Her Mangal Sutra weighs more than the championship belts worn by
WWE wrestlers.

13. Her father thinks she is much smarter than you..... :D ;D

September 29, 2011

Attitude of Girls

 Who is a Girl?

Ans: Girl is the one who b4 going out gets...
...
*Facial,
*Bleach,
*Waxing,
*Hair curling/pressing,
*Threading,
*Toning,
*Scrubing,
*Moisturising,

done

&

puts on
*Lipstick,
*Lipgloss,
*Lipliner,
*Perfume,
*Deodrant,
*Body toner,
*Body lotion,
*Eye liner,
*Eye shadow,
*Eye maskara,
*Foundation,
*Face powder,
*Rings,
*Bracelets,
*Necklace,
*Tops,
*Nail paint,
*Nail shadow,

and

Says: "Yaar jald-baazi me kuch kiya hi nhi aise hi uth kr aa gayi"

September 12, 2011

The Note

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. But he is relieved to see that there is a note stuck under the windshield wiper which read

"Sorry. I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I am leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I am not."

July 22, 2011

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and
hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

May 18, 2011

Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday

April 21, 2011

First thing first

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks,"Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again,I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

April 11, 2011

Mindless Blonde

A blonde was having financial difficulties anddecides that she has to take some serious action,so she goes to the park and kidnaps a young boyand writes a ransom note, 'I have kidnapped yourson. Leave $10,000 behind the old elm tree andyour son will come to no harm', she pins the noteinside the boys jacket and sends him home. Nextday sure enough there was $10,000 behind the treeand with it a note saying, 'I cant believe oneblonde would do this to another'.

March 29, 2011

Percentage

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the Senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 per cent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art,hundreds of servants etc. etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in RS?', he asked.

The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said - "No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister!!

February 6, 2011

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and
hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it
off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

U really can't endrose your view to kids

The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in
cold weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who
was so eager to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a
coat or scarf on; he caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he
died!”

The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a
small voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”

January 19, 2011

Don't be Miser when its crucial


During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honour and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergy man the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

December 10, 2010

True Telephone Conversations from IT company helpdesk


Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left? 

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A tedd! y bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. 

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a,
but how do I get the circle around it?

November 12, 2010

ICAI Exam observations

Question: How many balls are there in an over?
Answer: 6

If this were a CA exam question the answer would be WRONG and the examiner’s comment in the suggested answers would be

“Most of the students answered the questions. However, students have not understood the questions correctly. Answer points to a lack of in-depth understanding and conceptual clarity on the subject. Correct answer is 1 ball which is delivered 6 times, if the umpire did not declare any no ball in all those deliveries. In case the umpire declares a No Ball as defined in the Byelaws Section 2 Rule 3 of the Indian Cricket Control Board, then there will be an additional ball delivered for every no ball declared by the umpire. Note that such additional balls will not be counted towards the number of balls

August 17, 2010

Customer-Teri Cow Ki 1 Ankh Kharab Hai, Fir Bhi Tu 25,000 Maang Raha He.

Santa-Tuzze Cow Doodh Pine Ke Liye Leni Hai Ya Nain-Matkka Ke Liye